It was hot on Monday, and a holiday, so Alan and I went off to our local cinema for some air conditioning. The cinema was nice enough to rent us some seats, and provided some entertainment while they cooled us off. The title of this entertainment was a film called “Cowboys And Aliens”, a recent cinematic venture about an alien race trying to mine gold, and the local people who didn’t appreciate their newfangled technologies and way of life.
The star of this film is one “Daniel Craig”, an Englishman trying to look and sound like an American westerner. He doesn’t look like a cowboy, but everyone pretends that he does. He randomly wakes up in a field, with a Futurama-style magic wrist thingy he doesn’t know how to operate and amnesia. Our English-American Amnesiac Cowboy manages to find a local town, full of old-timey people and one Douchey Entitled Son who enjoys shooting his gun. It is while in this town, that we learn our English-American Amnesiac Cowboy is actually an English-American Amnesiac Fugitive Cowboy, Jake Somethingororther. He is arrested and put in jail, along with Douchey Entitled Son.
This is when the newcomers arrive, borrowing a few of the locals in order to learn the ways of the American West. We learn that our English-American Amnesiac Fugitive Cowboy’s wrist thingy has powerful LED lights, that work via inductive technology, and that the newcomers have the charge station somewhere on their flying insect mobiles. Our English-American Amnesiac Fugitive Cowboy, apparently a Luddite, is scared, and clenches his fist, firing his magic wrist thingy and destroying the flying insect mobile. The charge is spent, and his magic wrist thingy is once again just an annoying bracelet.
The town’s remaining residents decide that they do not like the newcomers borrowing their friends and relatives and form a posse, of which one “Harrison Ford”, an American Hero of Awesomeness is the leader. Our American Hero of Awesomeness has a score to settle, as the newcomers have borrowed the Douchey Entitled Son, making the town safer for all. Our American Hero Father of Awesomeness has to team up with Our English-American Amnesiac Fugitive Luddite Cowboy to shut down the charge base for his magic wrist thing once and for all, making the world safe for Douchey Entitled Sons everywhere.
And then there’s this woman who never emotes, and doesn’t seem attractive, but must have mind-control powers, as everyone falls in love with her for no apparent reason. Also, she’s an alien. But a different alien than the other aliens.
Anyways, in the end, the locals team up with the remainders of the original locals to fight off the new invaders who are after their gold. They blow up the charge base, which makes it rain gold. Nobody gets injured by raining gold nuggets, and the town prospers, all by keeping the foreigners at bay. The Douchey Entitled Son and the other townsfolk are saved before the charge base is blown up, and they all have amnesia. Nobody tries to cure the Douchey Entitled Son. Instead, they convince him that he is an Upright Gentleman Citizen. Everyone forgives the English-American Amnesiac Fugitive Luddite Cowboy for his crimes, and he becomes an English-American Amnesiac Non-Fugitive Luddite Cowboy. An uneasy friendship has blossomed between our American Hero Father of Awesomeness and our English-American Amnesiac Non-Fugitive Luddite Cowboy.
The end. I miss The Adventures of Brisco County Junior.
